The good news: Research shows that a majority of marriages do not end after the discovery of an affair. The bad news: That doesn’t mean that the relationship survives.
Mourning the loss of what you had, without destroying your future together can be a tricky path to navigate.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. You’ve just had your feet knocked out from under you. Here’s how to take care of yourself in this new environment:
Discovering a betrayal is traumatic.
The most common complaint I hear from clients who have experienced a betrayal, whether that is physical, emotional or financial is: “I feel like I don’t know who my partner is.”
This makes a lot of sense. We build maps of who the other person is and how they will behave, based on our experience with them. When we find out they have acted out of character, or been deceitful, our brain starts to doubt everything we know about them. This is your brain in survival mode.
The second most common thing I hear is: “I go from ok to sobbing to full of rage.”
This is where we can say that the discovery of infidelity is like a trauma, and we respond to it like we would a trauma: with fear, sadness, helplessness, numbness, and anger. What you’re experiencing is normal.
Understand that it is not your fault.
Affairs happen in relationships experiencing distress. Affairs also happen in relationships that are working just fine, where both people report being happy. If your partner chose to have an affair, or chose to deceive you, then that is their choice and their responsibility. You’re probably not perfect, they no doubt have legitimate complaints about your behavior or the state of the relationship. That is a different conversation.
Find connection and support.
It used to be the expectation that you would stay together even in the face of an infidelity. There was a lot of shame attached to divorce. Now, the opposite is true. Many clients report feeling isolated when they want to work on the relationship. They start withdrawing from their social groups and hobbies. They are afraid to tell friends and family because they don’t want to hear people telling them to leave, or judging them for staying.
Repairing the relationship will be a long and difficult journey. You will need support, and not just from your partner. Find a trusted friend, family member, or therapist you can confide in and who will encourage you in your decision.
Provide your own care.
If you and your partner are staying together, you will be requiring certain things from them. However, if you are waiting for their behaviors to make you feel better, you are signing yourself up for a long wait. Don’t let go of the habits that keep you well, that help you feel recharged and sane. If you don’t yet have any, now is a good time to start. It doesn’t matter if it is exercise, meditation, therapy, yoga, cooking classes or pedicures. Find activities (some social) that you can do just for you, because you deserve to be taken care of in this challenging time.
Decide what you want the outcome to be, and work toward it.
Remember that part about being in survival mode? Those feelings of rage, depression and confusion can make it easy to be reactionary. Your fear may set you digging for details, or monitoring their every move. These are understandable strategies, but they rarely get you what you want — which is to feel safe, respected and back to normal.
Take some time to think about what you want the outcome to be. This may take a while.
If what you want is a new and stronger relationship with the same person, some of those behaviors I just mentioned will be counter to your goal. An experienced Couples Therapist can help you navigate this process and start you toward the healing you want.
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How to Talk to Your Partner About Infidelity
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You messed up. You really stepped in it this time. You’ve done something that will definitely have consequences for you and your relationship. How do you tell your partner you’ve had an affair?
Whether it was a drunken mistake or a conscious decision you made, there’s no getting around the fact that your partner will feel crushed, or furious. They may end the relationship over this.
That’s terrifying.
We all have that instinct, even if just for a moment. I need to keep it to myself. If I tell them, it will crush them. They’ll never get over it. They’ll never forgive me. I just can’t hurt them like that. If I tell, then I’m taking my shame and embarrassment and stress and I’m turning it into their pain. If I don’t, maybe they’ll never find out. Maybe I can take this to the grave.
Can you make a case for silence?
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It’s often characterized as a sin, a character flaw or even an uncontrollable destructive force. You’ve been given the message, probably since childhood, that getting angry is bad. You should “rise above” it, or “don’t sweat the small stuff.”
So you stuff it down, suppress it, act like it isn’t there, and feel shame when it finally breaks free. Is anger ever a good thing?
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