What's holding you back from living your life?
Sometimes it feels like everyone else has it together–like they were clued into a secret that you never got. You work hard, you take care of your family and you’re good to your friends. But something is missing.
Maybe your career is stuck in a rut or your relationship is unsatisfying. Perhaps it’s been harder being a parent than you thought it would be. Or you keep saying yes to things you don’t want to do, then resent the person for asking it of you. And then there’s that nagging thought: if only they knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me so much.
If I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life.
In my practice I work with a lot of men, both in couples therapy and individually. I’ve come to understand some things about the struggles that many men face in our modern society.
Men are Unhappy
Guys often suffer under this myth: “My job on this earth (or in this relationship) is to solve problems and accomplish tasks. If I’m good at it, then I will be loved and accepted.”
Everyone wants to be loved and accepted. It’s one of the most powerful motivations for human behavior. However, if you have the core belief that you have to work to be loved and accepted, your self-worth will always be up for debate.
When men are unhappy, they tend to think of it as stress and frustration. They think of the suffering they experience as a problem to be solved–and when they can’t figure it out, they wonder, what’s wrong with me?
Without the outlets and and emotional vocabulary that most women enjoy, men have no choice but to internalize their struggle. Depression and anxiety are frequently the result of this strategy.
Men Have Difficulty in Intimate Relationships
Intimate partners are always asking each other two fundamental questions: Do you love me? and Who’s in charge?
For many men, the answer to the second question is easy: I am. That may feel natural. Even if they weren’t overtly told this when they were young, the culture at large is full of this message for men. The problem is, dominance doesn’t leave very much room for closeness or love.
For others, the picture gets a bit complicated. Many men find acceptance by “taking care” of others. This may require them to put off or deny their own needs, which can easily lead to resentment. They might do everything in their power to keep their partner happy, or to avoid conflict, and be continually surprised when this doesn’t garner them the respect and care they want. So they may feel both disempowered in their partnership and entitled to dominance. Neither feeling is conducive to intimacy, but they are a good formula for anger.
And then there’s love. In general, there are three emotions that men are comfortable with: anger, contentment and pride. Fear, sadness, defeat, longing, affection and all the rest are thought of as a little bit…unmanly.
That doesn’t mean they don’t feel those things. Men have access to the full range of human emotions (they are human after all). All you have to do is watch young boys to see that. They’ve just been told so many times that they shouldn’t have those feelings, that they have difficulty tolerating them. So they attempt to control their feelings, and their relationship by withdrawing from or dominating their partner. They do this with many contradictory strategies: shutting down conversations, being unavailable, invalidating their partner’s feelings and complaints, caring for others (while ignoring their own needs), or responding with anger.
Many men believe that the vulnerability and connection parts of a relationship are optional, which makes it very difficult for them to have the relationship they actually want.
Pursue The Life You Deserve
Therapy can help you identify the strategies that are getting in your way and teach you a new approach that works better. You can be the man you want to be, the father you want to be, and the partner you want to be. You can have the life you want.
Along the way you’ll also learn how to:
- Accept, and even like, yourself for who you truly are
- Make your needs a priority
- Find your power and use it effectively
- Feel more comfortable with your masculinity
- Start getting the love you want
- Build strong and resilient relationships
- Have more satisfying sex
- Tap into your passion to build the career and the life that you want